You Know What I'm gonna put In my diary Brett?

A little thing called WHY THE FUCK DO RESTAURANTS KEEP THE TAILS ON SHRIMP WHEN THEY PUT THEM IN FOOD! ESPECIALLY THAI PLACES. AND THEIR SOUPS. BUT NOT JUST THEM. IT'S EVERYWHERE, THEY JUST GET THE BAD REP. BECAUSE THEY USE SO MUCH SHRIMP. NOT AN EXCUSE THOUGH. CUT THE FUCKING TAILS OFF. IT'S SOUP!

AND OLIVES! I LOVE OLIVES. EVERYONE ELSE FIGURES OUT HOW TO TAKE SEEDS OUT. YOUR FANCY SEEDS DON'T MAKE THEM TASTE BETTER. IN FACT, IT FORCES FANCY PEOPLE TO HAVE TO SPIT OUT SEEDS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FANCY FINGER-FOODED PARTY. Unless fancy people are so fancy that they just bit the bullet and swallow the seeds so they don't have to spit. THINK ABOUT IT! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A FANCY PANTS SPIT OUT A SEED? I HAVEN'T. AND THAT'S THE TYPE OF SHIT THAT I LOOK FOR WHEN I'M HANGING WITH FANCY PANTS'S. I HOPE THAT IF YOU TAKE A X-RAY OF ALL FANCY PANTS'S STOMACHS THAT WILL FIND A BIG PILE OF OLIVE SEEDS IN THERE. GOSH, I'D JUST LAUGH.....AND POINT.........RIGHT AT THE X-RAY X-RAY SLIDE....Then I'd say to the doctor (when I gained composure) "Hey Doc. DO you have one from the side? Let's see it! No wait, wait, my mouth hurts from laughing, hold on......Okay I'm ready". But then it would get awkward because we often forget that doctors are fancy pants's and they have olive seeds in their bellies, and he would reply "I'm glad you find this so funny."

Then I'd put my head down and feel ashamed....Until I thought of a reply and I started to laugh because I couldn't keep from laughing so I might as well say it......"It's better than having a tummy full of cummy!" Then I run out of the office as fast as I can.

Then I ask myself, "Why were I in the Doc's office looking at other people's X-rays?"


THAT'S ALL

-ANTHONY

It's been snowing for 24 hours now...

and I haven't fallen on my ass in a group of total strangers.

I'm going to file that in the "victory" column in my diary.

-Brett

Jewelry and Kisses Have Hijacked My Holidays...

Precursor: I don't hate Christmas/smiling/sweaters/children/warmth/love/lovers/the act of making love/kissing/good movies/the general sense of touch/ or anything else that Brett will put in my mouth after I make my case.

The holidays are among us! I always look forward to the veil of comfy red that underscores America in early December. There is a bit of a change in pace (everything speeds up), and I always talk to my family more. All of these things are total positives, and these alone are enough to make the "season" worth having.

However! The greedy hands of American marketing have certainly rubbed their sweaty palms all over the original intentions of the spirit.

I could rant about thousands of increases in advertising to sell any given product, but I am writing today to rant about Jewelry commercials. They suck. Not only are they the most frequent commercials to invade my TV watching experiences, they are also the worst.

1. They act like the only real way to love your wife is to buy them diamonds. They make women out to be greedy little gnomes that are bitter and insatiable until the moment a diamond is in the room. "Love" is rediscovered as soon as she finds out he spent money on overpriced diamonds for her.

2. The kisses. I can't stand to see people kissing passionately on TV. They kiss so romantically and slow, I can almost hear the strangers and their lips clinging for way too long. I must admit that this qualm of mine was discovered during movies where you can actually hear the mess going on between the actors. It's just so fake to me.

3. The slogans and lines:
- "Every kiss begins with Kay." - Really? Do you realize what you're saying? Every kiss? Every kiss in the world? Would you really even want that to be the truth? Imagine that. The only time anyone kisses is when they receive something from Kay Jewelers. Sooo pompous and overstated.
- "He went to Jared!?!?!?" - The next is the one where a boyfriend is coming up to a house and the completely red sweatered family sees him with a Jared box. They all start relaying to each other "He went to Jared!" "He went to Jared?" "Yep, he went to Jared." The daughter comes down as the whole extended (as if grandma hangs there daily) family is "Hiding" on the stairs to watch their little girl become initiated into the world of material dependency.
- "A Diamond is Forever" - Nope. Not at all. I've seen girls lose them. They don't care THAT much. They just go get it replaced. DeBeers? More like DaQueers. (no offense) <>

...And also, I hate John Mellencamp. So sue me.

-Anthony


PS - and apparently, this has something to do with diamonds. hmmm...



- Brett

TURDUCKEN!!

Holy shit! How come I've never heard of this before?

and I quote: "A Turducken is a partially de-boned turkey stuffed with a de-boned duck, which itself is stuffed with a small de-boned chicken." As if that weren't enough they get sausage involved: "The cavity of the chicken and the rest of the gaps are filled with, at the very least, a highly seasoned breadcrumb mixture or sausage meat."

I'm speechless.

It's like the first time you see a rabid unicorn fighting a robotic dolphin.

Just breathtaking.


-Brett

In which, we find our hero, discovering his inner child...

There are very few things in this world that make me giddy. I usually greet Friday's with ambivalence, ice cream with malaise, and Christmas morning with a shrug. I once fell asleep on a roller coaster.

That's not to say I am a total curmudgeon. The short list of things that make me happy enough to punch a nun goes something like this:

1. Eating - The more the better. I am into decadence.
2. Drinking - ummm, drinking.
3. Seeing my family - If I haven't seen my wife and son in a few days, let's just say, you probably want to keep your distance.
4. Flying on planes - I have been known to be so excited for a plane trip that I will get to the exit in time to watch two or three flights go out before mine.
5. Days off of work - this one pretty much speaks for itself.


In the next 24 hours all five of these things will be happening in spades.


Yay, Thanksgiving!

Just remember, if you feel like there is nothing to be thankful for, you always have one thing: the fact that you live in a country where it is not only normal, but encouraged to spend a random Thursday bumming around in your underwear, being entirely unproductive, engorging yourself with the fattiest foods you can find, watching football and drinking ungodly amounts of alcohol. If that doesn't make you tear up with pride for being an American, well, I might just water-board you myself.

I hope everyone (all 1 of you who read this) has a great holiday, whether with family or not.


-Brett

First of All......

I don't like Brett's tone when he forces his opinions of fruit on me (Flav-O-Splosions). I love the term, it's cute and endearing, but we must remember that it is still an opinion.

I simply don't like the consistency of raspberries. They're seedy and they linger in your mouth all day. I explained that, and it's just not worth it. But he acts like my opinion is wrong, replying "Nope. You just can't handle these splosions", at every turn of my explanation. Things are just not that black and white.

I'm happy that he's happy (if only for the short duration of half a breakfast). But let me enjoy my Yogranana Revolution okay?

I think I'm gonna break a plate right in front of him and walk away from it.

I'll let you know how it goes.

-Anthony

It seems only natural....

I decided this morning at breakfast that I am going to just cut the crap, and start calling raspberries "Flav-O-Splosions". I mean, it seem like a natural step.

Of course, when I asked Anthony if he was going to eat his Flav-O-Splosions, or if I could have them, he just stared blankly at me.

Dumbly even.

Turns out Anton Elliboy don't like Flav-O-Splosions. I mean, at that point, one has to ask themselves...Is it the Flav or the Splosion that's bogging you down here? I found out soon thereafter, that he his also allergic to sunshine and puppies.

Sounds about right.


-Brett