"Like instead of wanting to be more frugal with my water usage or curb my carbon emissions, I rather was filled with a desire to cut down a tree, shove it up an endangered panda’s ass, strap the panda to the hood of a Hummer and drive to an Arby’s parking lot to give away free nuclear bombs to obese children."
This is just a little shard of brilliance that you could be ingesting if you were to check out my friend Mark's blog.
Your welcome, you low life's. You're stupid and illegit for not having found it yourself.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Threesomes intrigue me
What percentage of people out there have had a threesome (over the age of twenty-one)? And what happens afterwards? Do you kiss both people in the morning? Is it okay to start up again in the morning in the same bed as the other "sleeping" partner?
i think a three-way shower would be the shit. i also think a three-way haircut would be awesome. Would a three-way break up be a third worse than a regular break up?
(Me breaking up with my two girlfriends)
Anthony: Hey Cindy, could you tell Amanda that I don't love her anymore and I think we should never talk again, then listen to what she has to say right after that because she has some important information about the fact that I no longer want to ever talk to you again and I've fallen out of love.
Cindy: Wait, explain that again.
Anthony: Okay (sigh) once upon a time I used to love two girls named Cindy and Amanda at the same time. They funded me when I was broke, they gave me rides to work and brought home gifts on Sundays to make my Stormy Mondays better.
Cindy: And by They, you mean us?
Anthony: See! This is exactly it! Not everything is so black and white! Sometimes you have to except that things live in the gray!
Cindy: You're late for work. And I know I said I would, but I'm not taking you today because you are being a jerk!
Anthony: Right! Right! Just bail out again! Bail on everything that has ever meant anything to you in this world! You know what Cindy! You spread yourself to thin. That's your problem!
Cindy: What do you mean by that? I don't even think you know what expression really means.
Anthony: See?! You want everything wrapped up in your perfect little package so that it doesn't stress your little brain. Well I'm through wrapping gifts! Christmas came late, and I'm scared Cindy! God I'm Scared and hungry...cold, tired, I'm so exhausted from the stress of this concrete jungle...
Cindy: Bye bye, dude. You suck. And who's Amanda?
Anthony: See?!
(she slams the door in my face and regrets ever having met me)
It's all real.
i think a three-way shower would be the shit. i also think a three-way haircut would be awesome. Would a three-way break up be a third worse than a regular break up?
(Me breaking up with my two girlfriends)
Anthony: Hey Cindy, could you tell Amanda that I don't love her anymore and I think we should never talk again, then listen to what she has to say right after that because she has some important information about the fact that I no longer want to ever talk to you again and I've fallen out of love.
Cindy: Wait, explain that again.
Anthony: Okay (sigh) once upon a time I used to love two girls named Cindy and Amanda at the same time. They funded me when I was broke, they gave me rides to work and brought home gifts on Sundays to make my Stormy Mondays better.
Cindy: And by They, you mean us?
Anthony: See! This is exactly it! Not everything is so black and white! Sometimes you have to except that things live in the gray!
Cindy: You're late for work. And I know I said I would, but I'm not taking you today because you are being a jerk!
Anthony: Right! Right! Just bail out again! Bail on everything that has ever meant anything to you in this world! You know what Cindy! You spread yourself to thin. That's your problem!
Cindy: What do you mean by that? I don't even think you know what expression really means.
Anthony: See?! You want everything wrapped up in your perfect little package so that it doesn't stress your little brain. Well I'm through wrapping gifts! Christmas came late, and I'm scared Cindy! God I'm Scared and hungry...cold, tired, I'm so exhausted from the stress of this concrete jungle...
Cindy: Bye bye, dude. You suck. And who's Amanda?
Anthony: See?!
(she slams the door in my face and regrets ever having met me)
It's all real.
Dreamy Dreams
I had a dream last night that I roundhouse kicked a cigarette out of my friend Kevin Barret's mouth. We were at a bar and he was wasted and starting trouble with some troublemakers who outnumbered us big time. Then when I kicked his lit cigarette, everyone was distracted and it diffused the whole conflict.
Not very noteworthy, i know, BUT then I had this other dream which seemed to be hours later with my family in a run-down mansion where we were eating in a "nonbroken" home, I referred back to that other dream and told the roundhouse story. My happy unified family just laughed and laughed.
I wonder if that means my mom and dad are going to get back together after 24 years of divorce and barely speaking to each other? Also my dad started smoking again after 10 years or so. So that's another weird thing.
"These dreams protect me from the cold outside,
Every moment of the night,
I live another life."
Who sang that song? Anyone? I'm seriously asking, I don't remember.
Not very noteworthy, i know, BUT then I had this other dream which seemed to be hours later with my family in a run-down mansion where we were eating in a "nonbroken" home, I referred back to that other dream and told the roundhouse story. My happy unified family just laughed and laughed.
I wonder if that means my mom and dad are going to get back together after 24 years of divorce and barely speaking to each other? Also my dad started smoking again after 10 years or so. So that's another weird thing.
"These dreams protect me from the cold outside,
Every moment of the night,
I live another life."
Who sang that song? Anyone? I'm seriously asking, I don't remember.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Why is it that the older women get, the more their perfume smells like the inside of a funeral home? Flowers included....
There is this old lady here at work that always wears sunglasses inside and dies her hair a very unnatural jet black, AND her perfume smells stale and expired. She really cakes it on too, so it is kind of an unavoidable thought when I am in close quarters with her. I wish her all the best because she's a very nice lady, but holy Groucho Marx! Give me a reason to believe!
There is this old lady here at work that always wears sunglasses inside and dies her hair a very unnatural jet black, AND her perfume smells stale and expired. She really cakes it on too, so it is kind of an unavoidable thought when I am in close quarters with her. I wish her all the best because she's a very nice lady, but holy Groucho Marx! Give me a reason to believe!
Monday, June 9, 2008
Fashion and Reality
I'm not saying that I am the ultimate example of modesty or anything, but I just had this thought:
I've found my attention and efforts towards fashion and appearance dwindling in the past five years significantly. The closer I get to the age of thirty, I've thought about this and I've never been able to put it into words, but I think I'm close.
When I see someone that is heavily coated in whatever "boldest/latest" clothing that that given demographic leans towards, I always expect more from them. Because if they are just a bland person with eye for Polo sport coats in the summer, elbow piercings, tight neon green jeans, or a loose fitting Ocean Pacific tank top, I have to say that that person only has downward to go when meeting new people. Not that I think I am in the position to judge people's clothing (But I am), but I've found that if you dress modestly and honestly, you only have up to go as far as your personality. Plus, the first funny thing you do in front of strangers is always doubly funny, because they say "Oh my god, you seemed so reserved and straight laced". That's when you blindside them with the abortion jokes.
I've found my attention and efforts towards fashion and appearance dwindling in the past five years significantly. The closer I get to the age of thirty, I've thought about this and I've never been able to put it into words, but I think I'm close.
When I see someone that is heavily coated in whatever "boldest/latest" clothing that that given demographic leans towards, I always expect more from them. Because if they are just a bland person with eye for Polo sport coats in the summer, elbow piercings, tight neon green jeans, or a loose fitting Ocean Pacific tank top, I have to say that that person only has downward to go when meeting new people. Not that I think I am in the position to judge people's clothing (But I am), but I've found that if you dress modestly and honestly, you only have up to go as far as your personality. Plus, the first funny thing you do in front of strangers is always doubly funny, because they say "Oh my god, you seemed so reserved and straight laced". That's when you blindside them with the abortion jokes.
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