Gambling

Sometimes I feel like attempting comedy for a living is a little like going to Vegas.  You give yourself an allotted amount of money/time to get something big or at least a consistent paying gig, then if it runs out before the deadline, you should quit and go home.  Cause bad, bad things can happen if you don't watch your step.  

I'm not saying that I have any sort of will power or lack of an ego that would let me quit, it's just a thought that comes through the old brain.

One thing I will never understand

Why.! In.! The.! shitwhole world do cashiers at restaurants HAVE to know what you want right now? When clearly I am standing there looking up at the menu and dramatically squinting my eyes just to communicate "I'm nowhere NEAR ready to order!"!!!!!

I was at a restaurant (doesn't matter which one, cause they all do it) that I had never been to before, there were two people in front of me that had already ordered, one person behind me. I could feel the cashier wanting to get my order, but I had just gotten there.

"What can I get you, sir?", half a second goes by, "SIR, can I get you something?" I squint as hard as I can to further communicate that I am not ready. Two seconds go by, I reply "...ummm,can I have a second please?" She addresses the person behind me, "Sir! He ain't ready you can step up and order." The guy behind me says nothing. She sighs. She looks at her fingernails, then turns around to talk to anyone she can find to show that she does not care about us any longer.

I say, I'll have the Mr. Sub please." She looks out the window at whatever and pretends to be so enthralled that she spaced out on my order, so i leaned over the counter to bust her on the fact that she wasn't looking at anything. She wasn't. Then when she turns her head back, our heads were really close, and she didn't flinch. We've been doin' each other ever since.

Anthony

Growing up...

I just watched the first twenty minutes of the movie "Kiss kiss Bang Bang". I bought this movie over Christmas. I had seen it Twice. TWICE within the past year and a half. I liked it a lot. Enough to buy it obviously. I thought that Robert Downey Jr. did a great job along with Val Kilmer and the plot was clever enough to more than keep me interested.

Tonight, Downey made me want to throw him into a burning house. Every other line was a cheesy, predictable anecdote, and he talks so fast that he manages to get three times the amount of them in there without my hate properly catching up and prompting me to kick the TV in.

My question: Why the change of heart? How could my perspective have changed this dramatically in a year? The movie sucked. Am I maturing (with a hard "T")? Or am I becoming more judgmental?

I am maturing.

What's your favorite form of torture?

I was just looking up torture on the Wik, and Jesus, thank god for modern civilities.

Regardless, choose one and just sit back and imagine. But not too hard, uuugh.

Start with this

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sawing

Anthony

Dammit!

Every time I go around the corner to the bathroom there is this hot day lady that works in the other office that always, seems to be going to the restroom when I am. Therefore we pass each other at least once a day.

This is all well and good, except for the fact that I'm really into this book I'm reading right now and i take it in with me every time I have to "go" go. And today she saw me carrying my book in twice. What luck! I'm screwed because now she knows that I take poops.

Anthony

Terrible Restaurant Crews

Chicago Ale House is officially the worst of the worst restaurant crews that I have ever encountered. Now, I am an ex-bartender. I did it for four years, and I have accrued a definite amount of sympathy for when things go wrong. It just happens and I am never one to act like it is enough to ruin my day when there is a mishap, or three (Because I also realize that mistakes come in bundles once the server is shaken).

BUT, this was ridiculous: Mark and I eat a meal and watch a few games. The place has four patrons and our chicken sandwiches took twenty-five minutes to make. The best part of this shortcoming was that the kitchen is entirely visible from where we were sitting. The cooks just joked around and laughed and jammed out to Modest Mouse knowing we were staring at them.

After the meal We wanted to have an Irish Coffee, so the overly concerned (but lazy) Bartendress makes a couple of Irish coffees for us. She hands them over, I take one sip and the coffee is just cold. COLD.

Me- Um, I'm sorry to be like this, but this coffee is cold.

Barkeep- Oh no, actually I'll bet it's just the Bailey's. Because it's a dairy product, we have to keep it in the fridge. I'm sure it's what made the coffee cold.

Me- Right, but it is really cold. Like not even warm, as if the coffee has been sitting out all night.

Barkeep- Ya know, sometimes I like my Irish coffee to be cold, kinda like a Iced coffee. Like from Starbucks, it can be tasty. But I'll top you off here to warm it up.

(She pours a more into it, and it is still cold)

Me- It's still cold.

Barkeep- There has got to be something wrong here, because I know that coffee was just brewed. It doesn't make sense.

Me- Right, but I just wouldn't mind a hot Irish Coffee right now.

Barkeep- Well I can check the pot, but I'm sure it's just the Bailey's, because we JUST brewed that.

(she goes to the beverage prep area, which is ten feet away and we can hear everything going on. She comes back after talking to the other server about the coffee being cold and the other girl swears the coffee was freshly brewed)

Barkeep- You know what? That pot just was actually cold. I'm sorry, I can brew another pot if you really want it to be warmer.

Me- Yes. I would LOVE for my coffee to be warmer.

BArkeep- Okay, but.....(trails off as she begrudgingly goes to brew another pot)

(It is now when the owner comes in to the picture. He is a nice and friendly Asian guy. He goes over to the other server who explains what is going on. The Bartendress comes back out with another pot of coffee and pours more into our cups. The owner yells over our shoulders at her.)

Owner- (at her) MAKE THEM A NEW DRINK! DOn't just pour more coffee in their cups, (to us) Hi, my name is TOmmy, and I'd like to thank you guys for coming in today. You like the basketball huh? We have many TV's for watch Basketball madness....

Barkeep- (at Tommy) There is no point in making new drinks, because the coffee machine has to be broken. TOmmy, let me handle this. (TO us) Sorry, but the coffee machine is broken guys, do you want to drink these like they are or can I get you something else?

(TOmmy, goes to the coffee machine and yells for her to come back there and talk to him. Mark and I look at each other in frustration and hold tight for the end of a couple of games)

(They argue in the back, we can hear everything, and it turns out that the coffee machine was never turned on. She returns after getting reamed for the stupid move)

Barkeep- Turns out the coffee machine is broken.

(Tommy comes up behind us)

TOmmy- She's new and she is afraid to admit she never turned it on. Thanks for coming, these are good basketball games huh?

Me- (to Barkeep) Right, could you just throw the coffees into the microwave and heat them up for a minute or so?

Barkeep- I don't know if that'll work.

Tommy- No! I fixed the problem with the coffee! There will be a new pot ready in a few minutes we will make you new cups.

MArk- (First words) Jesus Christ, I don't care about the details.

I lose it. I went from zero to tears in one split second and don't stop laughing for ten minutes. It may not seem that funny, but it was perfectly delivered and timed. Simply perfect. She comes back to thank us for letting her know that the coffee was cold so she didn't serve cold coffee all day, then continues to explain what happened with the machine in such a way that is "not her fault". Mark leaves me with this gem.

MArk- We have to make the decision now to never come back here again, or to be instant regulars and drink our lives to waste in this nonsense.

I'll give them another chance. I have a feeling that barkeep isn't going to last long.

-Anthony

My Point...

The observation that compelled me to write the post below was just simply that Clinton does not speak for herself at all in those campaign commercials, and it is all negative. The one positive commercial up there was of some dead actress that was supposedly her friend and endorses her.

Obama just simply puts his own speeches up, in full or in short. I get chills when the man speaks. He is from a different sect and I am actually scared for the man, in that I could see him ruffling the feathers of some important people out of CONVICTION rather than POLITIKIN'. He is the future. I love him. It is indeed time for change. And if he is all talk, I am willing, based off his words, to take a chance on him. It can't get much worse than where we're headed (save a large-scale attack).

-Anthony