To The Dungeon With the Gum Chewer!

Two nights ago I was on my way to the coast (Lake Shore Drive) to visit a friend and she lives right off Addison at Lake Shore. I normally have no reason to take the Addison bus that far east so I was unfamiliar with the route and the stops, turnaround, etc.

So I get on the bus and it is packed. However, there is a seat open all the way up front closest to driver and that is perfect for me because I like to chat with the drivers sometimes, and considering I was unclear as to the route's stops, it was convenient.

Happiness ensues. Time to pull out my book and chuckle as I read the swift word massages of Gunter Grass and his Nobel prize winning novel, The Tin Drum. Things were good. It just feels right to read on the bus or train. This city's charm goes whistling by out the window and the bus reeks of random people and there lifestyles (Some much better than others of course).

We pull further away from my stop without stopping at two corners, which kinda disappointed me because I was feeling so metro educational (reading a book), and I didn't want it to end so quickly. Then, we stop at the next light, Lincoln/Ashland and a mother with her kid get up to leave. Evidently she was putting his coat on or something and sort of forgot to look where they were. The point is she got up and started make her way very urgently to the front, obviously trying to catch this stop and the driver started pulling away anyway. A second later when the lady had to ask the lady driver to stop, she stopped very suddenly with about ten feet of the bus in the intersection and made a huge scene.

Still grateful, the mother thanked the driver for stopping, even though the driver totally saw her coming to the front. While the two got off the bus, the driver popped her gum rapidly, slowly turned her head to her window, and said "You NEEEED to look where you goin' cause I ain't driv............(then the words just mumbled off into some karmic hell where wasted negative energy goes to be bottled up and manifest itself in the form of an abusive boyfriend somewhere).

I hadn't given up on the driver though. Like always you have to think to yourself "Maybe something terrible happened and she has no way of dealing with it right now."

Then we get up to Southport and 6-8 people get up to get off. They almost all look her way or say thank you, and she responds popping that damned gum of hers louder! It sounded like a machine gun sniping good vibes clean out of the air. It was killing me.

We pass Clark, people get off, but know by this point not to talk to her. We pass Halsted, same thing. By this point all but one person was off the bus and she had managed to inject just a drop of malice into every soul that came into contact with her. AND I STILL WANTED TO BE NICE!

As we approached Broadway, the last man got off the bus and I didn't see a bus stop between there and Lake Shore so I asked her if there was a stop before Lake Shore.

"I go to laggle wazzle Johnny Raggle.......(she turns torward the window popping that goddamned gum letting her answer trail off and give me absolutely nothing) She speeds up the bus, heading to Lake Shore. I ask again if there is a stop before Lake Shore. "BBDDDDDDD POP, POP, POP", Nothing. I'm done being nice.

We pass the stop that I obviously wanted and turn on to Lake Shore. It's only me and her at this point, so I decided I would stand as close to her as I could and pull the rope three times at the first Lake Shore stop. I do so proudly and loudly. It doesn't even break the skin of that salty exoskeleton of hers! She just Pops and slows to stop.

Me face gets red, I get shaky and nervous because I have to think of something to combat this negativity and teach her a lesson. "You're a writer and comedian Anthony, twist this into something she'll never forget." "Wait, no, don't think about thinking of something, go with what you feel, this isn't a stage." "But you do have the upper hand, cause you think on the spot all the time." (I bus is stopped and I am getting off) "It's too late to think Anthony, just say something shitty and take a pound of flesh......"

I accept that it is just going to have to be a very sarcastic "I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY." But by this time I am already off the bus, walking to the curb, so I half turn to drown her in kindness, my foot doesn't clear the curb and I fall all the way down to my hands and an old lady at the stop comes to my attention concerned. There I am being aided by the elderly in front of my sworn enemy. I felt so weak.

It was enough to hold the bus up for just a second, but that damned gum chewer saw everything. I couldn't even look at her. I may have even forgot to thank the old lady in my anger. O.K. I did forget.

The Gum Chewer won.

-Anthony